After having 60 hours basically cooped up inside watching you tube videos on French history alternating with the original True Blood series whilst teaching myself to knit (well re-visiting the knitting; The home economic assignment in year 8 was to knit an animal. I enlisted the help of my Nana who was a professional knitter for stuga wool down at salamanca (think Jenny Kee era of colourful jumpers) She knitted the entire lamb and left me to sew on the last leg..I remember she was devastated as I/we/she got 91/2 out of 10 because one of the legs was on backwards!..)
I thought Id knit Mat a scarf for his arrival in Paris to blend with the scarf clad city. (I have listened to a couple podcasts exploring Paris scarf culture, you never see anyone without one) ..I am far too obsessive to take up hobby. I found it hard to put the wool down even to eat and have stayed up til 3am the last couple of nights trying to get another row in..Ridiculous. Im definitely and all or nothing kind of gal.
So I was planning to get out this morning but it wasn’t until 4pm that I talked the wool down. The aim was the number 2 line and then walk back. A group of maybe grade 3/4 kids jumped on and I was overcome with an emotional realisation/dramitisation. If Tom and Oriane choose to have children this will be them, they’ll be french kids on a french train speaking words I don’t understand ( I know Im being completely irrational but the thoughts don’t stop) I wont know them, I wont understand them, They’ll be on the other side of the world.. I go into an entirely irrational state with tears and all…..
I have no desire to have grandchildren if they arrive they are from others life decisions not me willing it to happen. In saying that Id be up for it don’t get me wrong I am a kid person, I love them! Im the adult hanging out playing lego and building cubbies while other adults are in the dining room eating.. Mat still talks about meeting my family at a children’s party and seeing me dance and muck around with the kids and possibly doubting what in the hell had he got himself into.
I got off the train and the emotions just wouldn’t go, I could feel tears welling and I know Im in this heightened state on residency but I just cant fight them, ( i bet I don’t look like a tourist now! Haha) I am super susceptible to any passing thought or idea, Im onto it, and delve in before I even realise whats going on..So I breathe and I walk and pat my eyes.
I get to Republique and I sit on a wooden bench for a moment and feel the trainline underneath the cement reverberate through my bum. I see a large group of fluro clad protesters forming on the other side of huge bronzen female statue. for a moment I consider staying but rationally I realise if something were to go wrong I wouldn’t understand and be able to read the situation safely so continue to walk towards the sunset.
I am struck by the end of day craziness and noise,Its intense and although no one is running into me I feel like the space around me is pulsating, I put my earphones in without turning anything on to dull the intensity.
I walk and walk and then end up back in town and theres a giant Nike shop in front of me (angels sing aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh) I walk in and around, Im instantly so calm I don’t want to buy anything but there so much space and its warm, ,… Its true I feel calm walking aimlessly around a store, What is it?? Theres definitely a safety, theres smiling faces, theres no panic, it nice. I walk around and the shop assistants say bon soir. I think about Gusi and wonder how crazy his weekend would have been. He managers a similar store in Melbourne and as I looks around I try to see it though his eyes..I cant, Im not cool enough.
My sniffles and cough seem to be lifting Im glad that I made myself rest (well stay indoors) but theres so much to do and so many rollercoaster emotional journeys to go!! x x x